My Life Story (Thus Far)

She bought a palm tree with her husband on their honeymoon. The tree was never a symbol of their undying love for each other. It was just a tree. Her husband planted the tree when they returned home. She never watered the tree or gave it much thought. The marriage lasted 3 years. She remained at the home they had once shared as did the tree. Although the climate was thought to be too cold for the tree to survive in, it did and grew with each passing year. When she did take the time to look at the tree she couldn’t believe that it had once fit into the backseat of her car.

She eventually went insane because the world around her made sense.

The End

Surveillance

Awesome movie but an even more awesome song by David Lynch!

Lithium

is what I'm taking now. I just started it today so I'm not sure how well it will work. I did start the day out in a very, very manic mood which I love and hate at the same time. It has faded away and I'm much more calm at the moment, however, I'm wishing now that I would've had time to write my Political Ideologies essay while in that state although I'm not sure how coherent it would have been...

I'm swamped with school work, movies to watch, books to read, and family responsibilities so this blogging drought may continue for a bit. I would like to say before I publish this that being a political science major in the area that I live in is quite taxing on my psyche. If I thought most people were stupid before choosing this concentration, I can't even explain what I think of them now.

Wish I Could...

think of a good title. I probably shouldn't even write since I can't think of anything to write about. I guess I'm hoping that as I type something profound will come to me. Ah, the eternal optimist.

I'm on a new medicine called Seroquel. My physician thinks I have bipolar I or manic-depression. Duh. They are suppose to give me some other meds to go with it but I don't have insurance so I've had to wait on some kind of charity that helps people in my situation. I have another appointment next week and I should find out then if I'm approved. They gave me a ton of free samples of the Seroquel but didn't have any of the other meds. For some reason it seems that anti-psychotic meds are very expensive.

They pills I've been taking are working a little but I don't really like the effects. I stay in a daze most of the time and all level of creativity are lost. At least I'm not up, down, up, down, up, down, etc...

Something I Thought Of

It seems to me that we have become a society that refuses to fail and uses any means necessary in order to get the false reassurance that we are progressing, when in fact we are only deforming ourselves to the point of absolute disability. That's all I got for now.

What Can I Say?

I'm going over things to discuss and yet nothing seems substantive. To be honest, I'm only writing right now because I feel like I should and there's no reason to have this blog if I'm not going to write in it, so...

Current semester is almost over. There may not be another one since my financial aid got so royally screwed up and I owe $1600 which I shockingly do not have lying around. The registrar saw fit to put a registration hold on my account because of it. One person from that office told me I would be fine and the next semester's refund would pay for it. After the hold was placed I opted for a second opinion and of course, it was quite contradictory to the first. So, in a nutshell, it's quite the shitty predicament. I really enjoy going to school. Of course, the current school sucks donkey balls but I have goals and the only way to achieve them is by forging ahead. Maybe I'll start stripping and be the first true stripper to be paying her way through college.

That's really the biggest issue I have at the moment. Well, besides a possible ovarian cyst (or possibly worse). I don't have health insurance so I can't really get any tests done to find out what the incredible pain in my side is from. The E.R. did rule out kidney stones, however. And the morphine was nice...

New York State of Mind

I just got back from NYC. This is how I know I'm manic-depressive: I got really upsetting news from SMATWADKU involving my financial aid on Thursday, mid afternoon, and decide to either cut my wrists or say fuck it all and take a trip to NYC. As soon as I got home, I packed my shit and took off. I made it there around noon on Friday and got home at 5 am this morning. I miss it already. However, I had planned on taking the trip and then cutting my wrists and now I don't want to do that, so I must give NYC props for inadvertently averting my untimely (or just in timely) death.

On the way back, I also stopped off in D.C. I didn't get to see too much because I was only there for about half a day, but it was cool (not nearly as cool as NYC of course). I'm glad I dropped by there just in case I never get to in the future.

There is far more to say about my trip but I'm far too tired to say it. My legs hurt, my feet are blistered, my voice is gone, and my heart is full. It's good to feel alive for a change.

Choices are Hard

I'd rather just stay in bed and watch independent films all day. My life is a broken record and to drive that point home, I'd like to write about my current university. I should probably give it a name, however I'm not sure what name would describe the fierceness for which I loathe it. Hell University would be too blah. It's time for the lessons I learned in Creative Writing to kick in. Oh, yeah, I didn't really learn any lessons (although it was a ton of fun and I did build some writing confidence). So, I'm trying to think of something good. If anybody has suggestions, let me know. Or I may just go with Slitting My Achilles Tendon with a Dull Knife University. To shorten it, I'll refer to it as SMATWADKU.

So, the oh-so-competent administrative staff at SMATWADKU have royally fucked up my financial aid to the tune of me now owing over $3000. I've tried to call them on numerous occasions and I just get transferred from dept to dept, each stating that it's the other department's job, and nothing is getting done. Looks like I'm going to have to drive my ass down there (about 20 miles away) in my gas-hog of a vehicle, hopefully find a parking space that's within 10 miles of the building I need to go to, sign in, and wait about 1 hour just to see some dumb fuck who's probably not going to be able to help me anyway.

And I feel like I'm having issues with unrequited love, although there is really no one to blame in the situation which only makes it even more intolerable. But saying that it is unrequited is probably inaccurate, anyway. I guess it's does exist, it just cannot be acted upon. I don't know which of the two is worse...

Life is good.

The Humility of Humidity

I really struggle for title names... but it is quite humid here and my hair tends to do frizzy, curly things because of it, so... Plus I'm a sucker for alliteration.

Because I'm a sentimental person (and because I needed to pick up my degree) I went by my former college, yesterday. Sadness. However, I have a friend who is in one of my former classes and she wants me to sit in with her on Wednesday. I don't see this friend very often because we are mostly only situational friends who see each other when we happen to be in the same places. But I do think she is awesome and the class happens to be one of my favorites, so I'll probably do it. Plus she's having what she describes a "religious crisis." I have empathy for her in that regard. My crisis is pretty much over because now I realize that I'm probably screwed either way. And it's not pessimism, it's realism. I have a good spirit or core or whatever, but I do some lousy things at times. And sometimes I do some pretty awesome things. Then sometimes I don't do things at all. I don't want to speak for all females (of course I will anyway cause I'm a giver), but our hormones really suck donkey balls.

In conclusion, I think I will start taking testosterone injections, shave my head, change my name to Phil, and buy a truck. At least then the humidity won't fuck up my hair.

Full Circle

I'm back to hating my current school, again. I hate pretty much all the students. I definitely hate all the administrative staff that can't find their asses from a hole in the ground. I only have 1 professor that I actually see face-to-face. He is a very nice (prob too nice) guy who asks questions and look pleadingly into the faces of his students for some type of intelligent involvement. I usually don't like to speak up in class but I feel forced to because I am somewhat empathetic to his need to know that at least 1 of the 35 or so students in his class has at least half an active brain left. This trend is all too common and it's very discouraging to me. Sometimes I feel like dropping out and going back to the world of the 9-5 zombie existence that I used to actually get paid for.

I really feel for you, Masked Philosopher. If your students are as bad (or dare I say worse) than these, I really don't know how you manage to make it through the day without some type of bloodshed (figuratively meaning of course).

Something I Heard in a Movie Once

I don't know if any of you have seen the movie "Shortbus," but I recommend it if you are like me and have always searched for soft pornography with a real story. Anyway, there is a line from it that I thought was so perfect: "I used to want to change the world but now I'd just like to leave the room with a little dignity."

Not So Bad

I'm getting more accustomed to the new school. Actually, it's not too terribly different than my old school in regards to the types of students that go there (lazy and not-so-bright). I only have to physically be there for 1 class and the other 2 are online. That helps. The parking is still an f-ing joke, though.

Things are looking a little brighter, I guess. They will definitely look super-sunny when my financial aid money gets deposited into my bank account. I don't think I've ever been quite this financially destitute. As long as I can hold out for a few more days all will be good.

I still don't like politics, but maybe I will learn to at least appreciate them. And if I can't appreciate them, at least I'll be very knowledgeable on the subject. Optimism!

Quick Thought

I'm not sure if it's the school I'm going to or the major I chose that I hate. It could be both. However, I have grown accustomed to sticking to and with things I hate, so I will carry on with a fake smile and an artificial gleam in my eye for information I don't particularly care that much about. It could just be that I am cynical lately.

Quickie

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this before, but my second ex-husband is the biggest expletive, expletive, expletive I have ever know, ever will know, or has ever been! Sorry, just had to get that out and plus I told myself I would write today. Life in this house sucks major donkey balls! I'm at my whits end if my whits even exist any longer! Sometimes I feel like giving up. I wish there was a way out but when you live with someone who is literally demented, you start to become a little demented yourself and you start to believe there is no solution. I want to run away but there's nowhere to go and no one who would even want to go with me and since I'm apparently incapable of doing anything alone, I am screwed...

I Have Commitment Issues

At least in regards to blogging. It has been quite some time since I've put any of my thoughts down. This is partially due to the fact that my thoughts have been pointless as of late (or possibly, if not probably, longer than that). Even now as I reread the small amount of writing I've done on this current topic, I realize that it is shit. But hold on...it could get shittier.

I start my new school, tomorrow and I'm a little anxious over it. No one knows me there and vice-versa. At my old school I was almost somebody and now, now I'm just another body or number depending on how cynical I feel like getting. Obviously I don't do well with change.

Graduation was soooo boring except for one way-too-brief moment on my way out the door. It was one of those moments that you make you wish you had a Ti-Vo for your life so that you could rewind, play, pause, rewind, play, pause, and so on. Alas, all I have is my memory which is constantly disappointing me.

Well, that's all I have for now. Maybe, just maybe, I'll write more soon. Possibly even tomorrow. I know we're all excited! ;)

Back From the Dead....But For How Long?

Life has been busy. It continues to be busy and I doubt it will ever stop, at least until my ashes are spread out to, oh who am I fooling, my family is super Southern, so they would never allow me to be cremated. How sad that they would get to decide the fate of my lifeless body...

On a more upbeat note, I really despise my second ex-husband pretty much all of the time. However, the kids practically worship him like an idol, so what do you do? Guess I'll just endure the fuck-up that I've created for myself. He will never leave, and I just need to come to terms with that. People don't understand this. They say, "Can't you just make him leave? Get a restraining order?" I'm so sick of hearing it. If any of that worked he would have been gone quite some time ago. I have 2 girlfriends who understand his behavior and thank heavens for them. They remind me that this shit is not all in my head. Or maybe they are just too nice to point it out. No, that can't be it because they are reliable on the brutally honest front.

Anyway, I got a short story and a poem published. That's pretty cool considering I have exceptionally low writing self-esteem. I had to read my poem at a semi-public reading at my college's library. Not a bad turnout, either. I also had to emcee the event, which kinda sucked because I had never done that, I don't particularly enjoy public speaking, and I didn't have much guidance with it. Luckily, one of my fellow classmates gave me one of his nerve pills of which I only took half, yet I'm still pretty sure I was slurring quite significantly towards the end of the event. Afterward I went home and slept for 4 hours straight. It was a good day.

Theater Class

We normally do nothing seemingly productive in this class. So, I've missed a few days (for honestly good reasons) and the last class I missed we actually got an assignment. We were given a picture and asked to write about the two "characters" in the pics. I was informed by a fellow classmate that the pic I was given was of a woman kissing a goat.... I took this as the professor's either (1) Belief in my creative ability or (2) His annoyance at me missing so many classes. Now, since this particular professor does not know me from Adam (meaning that semi-literally as there is a guy named Adam in the class), I'd have to choose the latter. At any rate, being the optimistic person I am, I looked at this as a challenge to flex my creative muscle so to speak. The screenplay was only to be around 24 lines. This is what I wrote:

The Choosing of the sacrifice
Inez (AKA Mistress of misery)
I believe this is first-rate sacrificial material. Of course, in order to be perfectly sure, I must press it against my lips.
peter (aka master of malice)
Everyone speaks highly of your ability to choose beasts for our ceremonies. They say you have a special sense in such matters.
INEZ (AKA MISTRESS OF MISERY)
It is true. Since I was a child I've had the gift of feeling souls with my lips. It was this gift alone that allowed me to be initiated into The Sector to begin with. Unlike you, I didn't have to go through the usual routes. Although, I would've been good at that, too.
PETER (AKA MASTER OF MALICE)
Oh, I'm sure. The Commissioner of Coprophilia said that you had many talents.
INEZ (AKA MISTRESS OF MISERY)
Yes, but be that as it may, I'd like to stick with goat choosing for now. There will be plenty of time for other indulgences after we are bathed in its sacred blood.

We were also given a list of questions to answer about each character that would serve as a biography for them. These are their stories:

Name: Peter (AKA Master of Malice)

Age: 34

Favorite Color: Pink

Favorite Food: Sloppy Joes

Favorite Type of Music: Beethoven

Favorite Article of Clothing: Daytime: His lucky handkerchief; Nighttime: Eye Patch.

Most Embarrassing Moment: Seeing his grandmother in the bath tub.

Memory of a Family Member: Seeing his grandmother in a coffin.

Best Birthday: His 1st because he doesn’t remember it.

Worst Habit: Depends, his wife would say smoking. Cult members would say having a wife.

Something Everyone Knows About this Person: He sometimes wears socks with sandals.

Something No One Knows: What he did with the body.

An Injury: A broken nose he received from a disgruntled Chinese Checkers opponent.

Name: Inez (AKA Mistress of Misery)

Age: 24

Favorite Color: Yellow

Favorite Food: Sushi

Favorite Type of Music: Scottish Bagpipes

Favorite Article of Clothing: Depends of time of day. Daytime: Plaid Skirt; Nighttime:
Ball Gag

Most Embarrassing Moment: When her parents caught her trying to kill them.

Memory of a Family Member: Her parents’ faces when they caught her trying to kill them.

Best Birthday: This past one.

Worst Habit: Depends on who you ask. Parents: Cult membership; Cult Members: Speaking to her parents.

Something Everyone Knows About this Person: There is something unique about her.

Something No One Knows: She’s faking it.

An Injury: A dislocated jaw.


I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I will enjoy having this scene acted out by 2 of my classmates tomorrow. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

Sickness

My poor daughter is sick, again. Seems like she is taking after her mother in that respect. She's ran a high fever since last night. I took her to the doctor today and so far, they can't find anything wrong. Strep, flu, and u.t.i. tests came back negative. They took an x-ray of her chest and are suppose to call me tonight and let me know how that turned out. She's taking it very well. Kids are sort of resilient that way.

I feel kind of crappy, myself. However, that is nothing new with me so I'm not alarmed by any means. I've got to go to my stupid fitness walking class in a few minutes (like I really feel like doing that). I have no choice because the professor I have does not understand that people get sick more than once or twice a semester. He's a nice guy, though.

Guess I better go and earn my A. Sucks.

The Weight

of something hit me, yesterday. A surreal situation became all too real and now I feel ashamed. What to do, what to do... That is the question.

Creative Writing

I have to turn in an at least 7 page short story, soon. The longest story I've been able to write has been only 5 1/2. And most of that was crap. I made a point of trying to drag the story out for the sake of making it longer. That was a big mistake and one I'd hoped I would not have to make again. Oh, well.

The funny thing is, when I'm expected to write, I don't want to. I feel as though the creativity has been ripped from me and replaced by a syllabus. But so it goes. Making an "A" is extremely important to me, so if I have to turn in a piece of shit, then so be it. In writing I prefer to be very, very direct. My inner narrator does not like to beat around the proverbial bush.

I retook the SAT today, mainly because I'm a masochist and partly because of vanity. It would be a blow to the ole ego if I actually did worse this time than the first time I took it, oh, what was it...10 years ago. I'm getting old. Guess that means my age is catching up to how I feel. I knew it was a matter of time (pun intended).

Harrison, Where's Your Overcoat?

Today was Inauguration day. I wish I was more into politics and living history, but I enjoy ancient themes so much more.

I should be writing in my Creative Writing journal, but this is much more fun, although I do get credit for the journal and not this. Oh well, fun takes precedence.

That's all I got for now.

What's Your's is Mine and What's Mine is Mine

I am a selfish person and always have been. There have been times when I have thought that what others don't know, won't hurt them. This has been my justification for many acts of selfishness. It's going to have to change. I'm going to have to change.

Now, I'm not a bad or cruel person by any means. More times than not, I am sweet to everyone I encounter (especially when drinking). A professor of mine asked the class how many of us look a drive-thru worker in the eye when we get our food. I raised my hand because it was true. I'm always nice to people who handle my food. It's one of my mottoes.

With that said, I am in no way, shape, or form, a saint. Out of the 7 Deadly Sins these are my most frequent vices: Lust, Sloth, and Pride. The others, not so much. So, in my way of thinking, 3 out of 7 ain't bad (sorry Meatloaf). Of course, I could throw in Gluttony, but that only comes into play when I'm at a buffet (which is not often) or at a Japanese steakhouse. Oh, and Olive Garden.

I only half indulge in Pride. Although I care somewhat about the opinions of others, I do not wish ill things on anyone. I only choose to compete with myself and my own self-image is priority one. That is were the vanity part comes in. I don't strive to be better than the masses but I do strive to be better than my current self. The question is: When will I ever think I'm good enough? Probably never. I kinda hope so but then again, I kinda hope not.

It's kind of upsetting to me that Sloth is considered a deadly sin. Is it not punishment enough to be sad? However, since the interpretation of Sloth has changed a bit, it fits me a little more. I am lazy, lazy, lazy. The good news is that I'm not as bad as I used to be. I'm losing the feeling of indifference about the outside world. Of course, I'm not yet sure if this is a good thing...

That leaves us with the coup de grace. Lust. This is the one that's gonna get me, I'm afraid. That's all I will say about that. I'd rather this not turn into the longest blog in history.

No one is perfect. And thank whatever or whoever you believe in for that. And if you believe in nothing then thank the nothingness because whether or not you know it, you are worshiping it.

This Semester

I have been in such a positive mood thus far in the semester. Of course this is only the first week, but it's better to say it before it becomes a lie. I hope that made sense. Anyway, most of my classes are at least somewhat intellectually stimulating and that's something to be thankful for and upbeat about.

My blogs have been fewer and fewer it seems. The quick answer as to why, is that I've been terribly busy. At night my brain is so worn out that I can't string a set of thoughts together. My friend that I talked to on the phone today can attest to this. In my defense, at the time I was hyped on a fairly large supply of caffeine. It's a vicious circle taking a pill to help me fall asleep and then taking one to wake up. Sometimes I throw in an extra throughout the day to help me chill. My poor, poor liver. At least I admit that it's destructive and that it's a problem. Step one, right?

Anywho, I love old country music. I was brought up on it and unlike many other things I was brought up on (ie, Southern Baptist church and pork chops), it sort of stuck. It's a combination of the sound and the lyrics. The older the music, the more substance it has. The current song I'm listening to on the tellie is "I Don't Wanna Play House," by Tammy Wynette (circa 1967). How sad.

Entiways, my creative writing class is pretty cool. At the last class meeting he gave us two topic options to write (using any medium we wanted) something about. He allotted roughly 13-15 minutes for this. I was done in probably 6 minutes. While I waited on everybody else to finish, I wondered if the professor would either 1. Think I was lazy or 2. Think I was genius. Then, I started to think that I didn't care what he/she thought and that if I truly were genius, I wouldn't be wasting my time thinking such trivial things. So, in conclusion, I decided that I wasn't a genius but I was quite a thinker and speed writer. For some reason I analyze the shit out of things that don't matter much, but on something as important to me as actually writing, I jot it down and move on. I feel that if I analyze it too much, I will essentially destroy the integrity of the writing. So the question I have is this: When we analyze our lives and current situations, are we actually lessening the meaning of it?

Told you I had too much caffiene...