Wednesday, November 19, 2008

And the Shit Keeps Coming

Took my daughter to the ENT specialist, today. She's had an appointment for weeks, but it just so happens that she was sick, as well. Good timing on that one! Bad news is that she's going to have to have her tonsils and adenoids taken out. She may have to get tubes in her ears, also. Her surgery's scheduled for December 2nd. The first date they gave me was on Tuesday, right before Thanksgiving. I opted out of that one for obvious reasons. I feel for her. If I could have the surgery for her, I would. And it's not only because I like surgery that I would do so. I also happen to like my daughter quite a bit and never, ever want her in any pain. However, I'm somewhat of a realist and I know that's not possible. On the plus side, I'm sure she will feel so, so, so much better after she heals. Her poor throat is almost completely closed up by two giant boulders. They've been this way for awhile, but the docs always said she was too young to have the surgery until now.

Tomorrow is Big Speech Day. I'm not ready for it by any means. I'm hoping to catch a second wind at some point tonight. At this moment, I'm far to exhausted to even consider working on it. Most of the info is ready and the PowerPoint slide, as well. I just need to organize it all and use a stopwatch to check my timing. It can't be over or under 5 minutes. Half of the class did their's on Tuesday. They were pretty underwhelming for the most part. At least I won't have any hard acts to follow, I suppose. Listening to some of them, I thought about how different I am. On my critiques, purely for shits-n-giggles (and maybe a tinge of utter boredom), I threw in an added bonus by suggesting future occupations for the speakers. They never get to see their critiques, but I thought at least the professor would get a kick out of it. That's yet to be seen. I don't think he's getting many kicks at all, lately. Then again, who is?

I'll keep you multitudes of avid readers informed on all of my progress. I should apologize for the sarcasm, but I'm not in a very apologetic mood. Peace and love, everybody, especially you, Stephen Colbert!

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Sorry I Missed Our Meeting

It's been an overwhelming week thus far. Hopefully, soon, I'll be able to get back on track with things that are important to ME. I really, really miss it.

School's been a bitch. I only have 2 classes but it seems like I have 10. Maybe it's because everything seems to be due at the same time. I also have a speech coming up. I really, really, really hate giving speeches. Especially when I know the whole classroom is critiquing it. I read some critiques from my speech last semester. It gave me the impression that when most of the pea-brained students I'm forced to call peers, hear the word critique, they think of criticism. What that translates to is the fact that they feel they must put down something negative about the person in order for it to be complete. One literally said that I licked my teeth too much. I've developed somewhat of a complex about this now. Maybe I should just come to terms with my oral fixation? Or maybe I should evaluate the source of the critique...

At any rate, I am making progress and will be locked, loaded, and ready by Thursday. If nothing else, I could just stand up there and tie a knot in a cherry stem using only my mouth.

Beginnings are always fresh, new, and exciting. Middles are plateaus. Endings are tiresome and bittersweet.

My oldest son is about to enter his teenage years. He's having the same hard time with my father as I did. I developed a theory on one of the reasons that adolescence is so hard. This may not be and original theory, however, as it would seem that most of my writings are not, but I'll write it just the same. When you're a child, everyone is great. Pure, innocent love is blind. You see no fault in the most faulty of people. Then one day, you become self-aware and environmentally-aware. You start realizing suddenly that people are sometimes, if not oftentimes, assholes. It's somewhat of a paradigm shift in your heart and mind. Think of how much this can hurt. One day life is perfect, the next, it's brutal. I wish I could freeze time for my children, often. I don't want them to lose that unmistakable gleam in their eyes. I never want them to not smile when they see me after a long day apart. But, alas, they will grow up and my role will fade. My heart breaks just thinking about it.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

These Lyrics Remind me of Him...

Jolene- Ray LeMontagne

Cocaine flame in my bloodstream
Sold my coat when I hit Spokane
Bought myself a hard pack of cigarettes in the early morning rain
Lately my hands they don't feel like mine
My eyes been stung with dust and blind
Held you in my arms one time
Lost you just the same
I ain't about to go straight
It's too late
I found myself face down in a ditch
Booze in my hair
Blood in my lips
A picture of you holding a picture of me
In the pocket of my blue jeans
Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means
Been so long since I seen your face
Or felt a part of this human race
I've been living out of this here suitcase for way too long
A man needs something he can hold onto
A nine pound hammer or a woman like you
Either one of them things will do
I ain't about to go straight
It's too late
I found myself face down in a ditch
Booze in my hair
Blood on my lips
A picture of you holding a picture of me
In the pocket of my blue jeans
Still don't know what love means
Still don't know what love means

I highly recommend listening to it on YouTube. I would put it up on here, but I'm tired, and maybe not quite that blog-savvy. I won't say which because I like to keep my options open...

I'm Done with Bullshit

I have no time and no patience for it. My life is full of trials and tribulations and those are the things I need to focus on. Therefore, it's time overdue to cut the fat.

This may be my most blunt title, thus far. However, I'm in a blunt-ass mood, tonight, so it seems fitting enough. I don't play games with people because, frankly, I'm just not bored enough to do that, anymore. I feel pity for those who are. But not enough pity to stay involved in their fuck-for-all lifestyle. That was so last year.

Another thing that annoys me in unreliability. If you say you're going to do something, do it. Don't use some lame-ass line such as "I keep my options open," when it's clearly not the case.

That's all I have to say on that note because I basically don't want to waste anymore blog or mind space on inconsequential brain/time waste.

Thanksgiving and Christmas are right around the bend. I don't look forward to the holidays, anymore. That is so sad. They've become more of a burden than an enjoyment. The only glimpse of joy I get is from my children's wonderment of it all. Thank God for them! I also pity those who have no children to share these times with. How empty that must feel. For a parent (and I'm only speaking for myself here) it is the time of year when all your hard work and day-to-day activities with you children pays off. They pay you back with their faces. It is truly priceless and absolute.

I'm so ready for this semester of school to end. I can't say that it has been a particularly good one. I could probably say that it has been very testing (no pun intended) at times. After the first part of this upcoming week, it'll be all downhill. Speaking of the term downhill, I've often been confused of it's usage. In one way it would seem to be a positive thing, i.e., a bicycle rolling downhill is far easier than pedaling it uphill. On the other hand, I think of down as being a bad thing, i.e., the idea of Hell. If you don't understand that last reference just listen to Merle Haggard's "Are the Good Times Really Over." Maybe that will help to clear the fog of confusion. Ol' Merle always has a way of doing that. Anyway, I'm intending it to be a good thing in regards to school being over. I tend to enjoy the start of things far more than the finish. I'll have to ponder what that means about my psyche at some other hour. I know you're looking forward to that blog!

Thursday, November 13, 2008


I'm starting one. I really hope I have the patience to give it the time it deserves. I get really distressed by the fact that there are no truly original thoughts left. This makes me incredibly envious of someone such as Homer. The best I can do now is just try and put my own spin on it. Whatever that is.

In regards to this blog, I made a vow to write something at least somewhat substantive. I've never been much for keeping vows together. Just call me Butterfingers.

The good thing is that I do admit and embrace my faults. I've been finding myself very impatient with those who don't. It sometimes makes it difficult to talk with someone like this. Opposites definitely don't attract in this case. It drives a wedge between people. The more you realize that no matter what you say or do to a person such as this, they just don't get it, and then you get to a point of indifference. What they say has no meaning if they don't know themselves on a true level. At first you think that you can't fault them for lying to you when they don't realize that they are doing so. Then it comes to a point where you can fault them because they refuse to stand back and take stock and accountability for their actions or lack thereof.

Is honesty a thing of the past? Is lying so ingrained in us that we can't remember what the truth is? Is it the complexity of a lie that draws us to use it? Have we become that bored?

I don't need or seek drama, anymore. I've become pretty honest as of late. There are a few things I lie about, but it's only when the truth is unnecessarily hurtful, that I do so. And I'm mainly referring to not telling my mother about shit she would not approve of and shit that would worry her. That would be a selfish way of absolving myself of guilt. I do NOT lie to men about trivial bullshit. I do NOT lie to people about my feelings toward them. I do NOT say that I am reliable when in fact I am often quite unreliable. I do say that I am loyal to a fault and I appreciate even the smallest of kindness in such an often cold and unkind world.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I've been a little distant

At least from this blog, anyway. My life has picked up some speed as of late, and I'm still trying to catch up to it. It may, very well, cross the finish line before I do. Let's hope not.

I had a dog for the majority of my childhood and teenage years. The same dog. He was killed and I was very sad. About a year later, I rescued a dog from the pound. It felt as though my other dog was with me, again. Why are animals so easily replaceable when people are not? Is it because we have developed speech? If so, does that, in itself, prove that what we say does really matter? To say that animals run completely on instinct could be because without language, that's all they have to drive them. One can imagine them happy...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Insomnia Sucks

I think the title speaks for itself so I won't carry the thought any further.

Obama won the election. I won't carry that any further, either. I just wanted to put that in case whoever reads this blog hadn't heard, yet. But all extreme sarcasm aside, he did win and what that means is yet to be seen.

It seems I've smoked myself into not carrying a meaningful coherent concise thought, so I'll end this before I embarrass myself any further.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Election Day

I voted early. I really wish political nominees would quit pimping themselves out via telephone. I'm really tired of the voicemails and what makes it more annoying is that with my particular voicemail system, I have to listen to the complete message before I can erase it. Most of the time it's those stupid negative ad campaigns, where they talk about how bad the other guy or gal is and how the world will most inevitably go to Hell if they are elected. What they fail to mention is that the world has already gone to Hell and there's no way to escape Satan's grip. That's of course assuming there is a Satan, which is another debatable, unanswerable, issue.

People should say how they feel. It would make things a lot simpler. Beating around the bush only makes the bush itself become beaten. The bush gets wore down and wore out. It's nonproductive. It drags out something that if approached in a more direct manner, could be simple and wonderful. People need to be honest with themselves. I have no trouble with this, to a fault of course. There's no need to be afraid of your thoughts. Embrace them and even edit them if necassary, but never hide from them. They will eventually find you. The road to Hell is not always paved with good intentions. Neither is the road to Heaven. Sometimes there are only dirt roads that are never paved at all. Sometimes there are intentions that are not intentional.

I need to rest.

Monday, November 3, 2008

First Post of the Month

As you can see by the title of this, I am not in the most creative of moods. I wanted to name it, "November," but then I'd be inadvertently copying someone else, so I opted not to. Plus I could never amount to that person's intellect, so what would be the point...

I've been missing people a lot, lately. Different people on different levels, but they are missed just the same. Not sure if that makes a ton of sense but what does these days?

I may write more in a minute. I may not.