Pity Party

Yes, boys and girls, it's that lovely time of week, again. Time for me to feel sorry for myself. The absolute, worst, nonproductive, thing I could possibly do. Well, except suicide. But I am so incredibly depressed. It may even go beyond that. I wonder if people who are depressed think that the word "depressed" doesn't do them justice. That's how I feel. How could that one word explain the vast array of emotions I feel on a daily basis? But I digress...

Cliche of the day: "When you hit bottom, there's nowhere to go but up." That's all fine and good, but how do you know when you hit bottom? There is so much terror in the thought that this may not even be my bottom. "Look on the bright side, things could always be worse." Fuck.

I'm in a bad place...

Weekends

I don't particularly like them, anymore. They seem like empty blocks of time that beg you to fill them with whatever energy you have remaining from a week of toil and triviality. We work hard all week for nothing and on the weekends we are suppose to relax. The quality time I have with my children is reserved for de-stressing? I find that thought distressing! But so it goes...

My kids are so incredibly loud. It's almost ear-shattering at times. For the most part I can handle it. I have somewhat of an extremely patient personality, that I'm very thankful for. Plus, I was brought up in a loud family. My mom is almost totally deaf and so was my grandpa and uncle. My grandpa's brother was deaf. I'm assuming it runs in the family, somehow, although science would probably say it is only coincidence.

Time for the cliche of the day! I used to say, "Don't sweat the small stuff." Now I realize that I should be saying, "It's the little things that kill." Two seemingly contradictory statements that can seem perfectly logical depending on where you are in life. I may be in a bad place...

Running on Empty

Or at least that's what everyone seems to be doing, considering the gas stations are for the most part, out of gas and those that still harbor this fuel of life, have lines wrapped around their buildings. The most amazing thing to me is how everyone reacts to this. The atmosphere has an air of chaos about it. It's almost scary. I only say "almost" because I don't fear chaos as much as I probably should. Call it a coping mechanism, if you will.

Why don't we do what Everclear so poetically suggests and swim out past the breakers and watch the world die??

Dedication

I want to try and take stock of all those people in my life who really make a difference. Now, making a difference may not always be a positive thing, but at least it's something.

Mom: You gave me life, you give me life, and without you, I am completely lost.
Dad: You helped give me life, you try your best, and although you may never know this, you are really someone I admire.
Ninny: You've shown me that unbelievable goodness does exist in people.
PawPaw: I am most like you, yet I could only aspire to be anywhere near the caliber of the person you were. You did not speak much, but when you did, everyone listened and it was always substantive. R.I.P.
Alan: For teaching me the use of the word "substantive." I am forever grateful! :)
MawMaw Roland: For showing me that family is the most important thing on Earth. No matter how poor you were, you were always rich with love. R.I.P.
Greg: For giving me Houston, although it was as far from a selfless act as one could get. He's an awesome child and if you only allowed him to show that to you, he would. YOUR LOSS!
Andy: For being my first "puppy love." R.I.P.
Jeff: For showing me that life is hard and once you make your bed, you have to lie in it. I could think of other cliches for you, but I don't want this to drag. Also, thanks for the kids. At least you do know how awesome they are. And thanks for keeping things interesting.
Uncle Wesley: For taking up the most slack for being the "odd" one in the family. I can only wish to be as much of an outcast as you.
Angie: For being one of my truest, coolest, most level-headed friends. What would I have done without you?
Trista: For being my oldest friend and for all the good times then and the ones still to come.
Bull: For being my "catalyst" or "enzyme." Also, for giving me a job and believing in my abilities.
Barry: For all the long talks and helping me with Houston.
Chris: For being my first ex-husband and remaining my friend through it all.
Lisa: For making me realize that everyday I'm alive and get to be with my children, is truly a blessing. R.I.P.
Alan: For being genuinely interested in what happens to me and teaching me to think beyond myself.
Stevie B: For listening and pushing me to do my best (even though giving me 99s, instead of 100s was a little annoying).
Mr. Lowe: For showing me that learning could be and sometimes is, fun.
Houston: For having almost my exact personality (sorry) and yet, being the coolest kid on the planet at the same time. You are the love of my life!
Bevan: For being my only little girl and showing me what it means to be one. You are so beautiful! You are the other love of my life!
Piers: For being so strange that it brightens my life and brings joy to me every moment I'm around you. You are the last, but not least, love of my life!
Various boyfriends or flings of the past: No matter how minimal our time was together, it still shapes who I am, today.
Elvis: For being my past self. R.I.P.

If I have left anyone out, I am sorry. My mind can only remember so many things at once and the older I get, the slower it goes.

Switching Teams

Sometimes I consider turning completely lesbian. Men make me ill, sometimes, with their
total "sex on the brain" personalities. Sometimes, this can work to a woman's advantage and sometimes it becomes far too much to bear.

Now, to be clear, I'm not saying that women don't think about sex, often. I probably think about it more often than most, and I'm far from being virginal in all aspects. However, I can sit down with someone who I find physically attractive, and yet, be quite serious and professional with them.

And I'm not saying that ALL men are one way or the other. I'm sure there are men out there who find women attractive, yet can manage to keep their sexual desires for them, to themselves. I just haven't met many.

Is it that my very nature is overtly sexual? Do I scream sex by subtle, unconscious acts? Is it my pheromones? Is it all the above?

I hope you know when you read this, that I'm not directing this in any way, toward you.... You have been nothing but supportive, loving, and kind to me.

Getting There...

Things are looking up at bit. I think once I get into somewhat of a schedule and routine, I'll be just fine. All we can do is take life day by day. That's what I've always done, and that's what I'll continue to do. I can either lay down and die or get up and fight. I'm sure I'll choose the latter.

If you love someone, should you share your pain with them or should you hide it, in an attempt to keep them from worrying about you? This is such a hard thing to decide upon. The last thing I want to be is off-putting. I hope the people I care about don't get tired of my excessive bullshit.

First Attempt

I feel even more alone than usual and this blogging business may be a little harder than I once believed it to be. I seem to be at a loss for text, which is quite unusual. Writing has always came easier to me than anything in life. Where does that leave me?

One thing that's on my mind right now is the fucked up justice system we have in these great United States. Or maybe it's just the South. Something inside tells me that it's not just a regional problem, though. I attended my first bond hearing, today. It wasn't mine, thank God. Just someone close to me. "Close to me." What a strange phrase. Can someone you don't particularly like be close to you? I think they are the closest.

That's all I have for now. Pretty lousy first attempt, right?