Faith in myself

So, I've been considering starting my own church. It's a complicated feat, and it'll probably take me awhile to get it all together. And even then, I'm sure there will be some who will have problems with many aspects of it. The good thing about that is that they can always not join or just change it to fit what they like. That will be one of the rules, as a matter of fact: versatility. And that is where my church will differ from all other churches, although it is far from the only difference. I'll come up with more on this later.

I've gotten a little feedback on this blog of which I am very, very appreciative. It inspires me to write more frequently and encourages my thought process. I'm not too sure my thought process needs much encouragement, though. It seems I am always in the process of thinking. But then again, everyone is. That's what kills me about people saying that they don't dream. I mean it's not like we go brain-dead while sleeping or anything. Not remembering and not doing are two different things, although some might want to philosophically challenge me on this...

That brings me to a joke of the day! If a fat girl falls in the woods, and nobody sees her, do the trees laugh?? I'd like to thank Angie for that one. And it's not because Angie's fat and fell down one day to notice that she was alone in doing so, but because she introduced me to this joke. Angie is quite thin and lovely, as a matter of fact. She is also an avid reader of this blog, in case you haven't noticed... :)

Speak No Evil

But only because I can't. Apparently, for the first time in my life, I have laryngitis. Ain't that a bitch. I've never thought of myself as someone who needs a lot of speech to get through life. Now that I can't speak, it occurs to me that I was kind of wrong about that. Another first for me - being wrong! Who would've thought? Not me. Well, that makes twice, already, in one day!

It's late and I'm tired. Probably not necessary for me to even point that out. If anyone read the above paragraph, I'm sure they had no trouble coming to that conclusion. As usual, I should be sleeping but I'm not. In the morning I'll be wishing I had. This just proves how much of a procrastinator I am. It could prove other things about my personality but I don't even want to think that deep at such a late hour.

Had a pretty uneventful day, today. Stayed in bed for the most part. That's hard to do when you're responsible for children. However, somehow I managed to pull it off with no casualties. That in itself is something for someone to either be proud or ashamed of. I haven't decided which, yet. Maybe a bit of both.

Where have I been?

Sleeping more. I missed a very important meeting on Tuesday due to it. I hope they understand. I really love to sleep because in my dreams, I can do anything and if it does not turn out well, I can always wake up and everything will be back to the way it was when I left it. It's very liberating. Once I tried to start keeping a "sleep journal." That didn't last long, of course. I'm not very good at keeping up with journals and such. I'm not sure why, exactly. It would be fun to look back on things. Instead, I just have the vagueness of my memory to go by. Maybe it's for the best.

I got a cool, new job working for the school I attend. It's through the federal work-study program. The pay is awful and I can only work a max of 19 hours, but it's still cool. Much better than the previous job I had, anyway. I'm not sure when I'll start, but I'm pretty sure it will be soon.

So, for the most part, everything is going well. Hope it stays that way. Only time will tell...

Days...

go by and go by and go by. It seems as though nothing changes, when in actuality, everything does. It's feeling like fall, now. I almost find myself enjoying it. Normally I'm much more of a summer person. The older I get, the less tolerant I am of the heat. It's kind of sad to think that something I once enjoyed so much, is now an added aggravation. But it gives way to my newly found enjoyment of the cooler months. Maybe all of this is a reflection of my maturing personality. I say this because I believe that everything we enjoy and everything we despise are things hidden inside of our inner minds. The most seemingly meaningless things always have profound undertones. One only has to be willing to look inside themselves. However, depending on the person, Nietzsche's famous abyss quote could serve as a proper diversion. I know it has with me.

It's not you, it's me...

Court sucked. The accused got one year in jail, but since they have a 2 for 1 plan, he should be out in 5 months or so. I was a nervous wreck. They made me get up and say a few things. I was literally shaking the whole time. Glad it's over!

I've been pretty sad, as of late, and it only seems to get worse because I keep getting sadder news! There are very few relationships that I care about in my life (besides family, of course). So, the odds would seem to favor those relationships lasting until they die out of natural causes. Since the quantity is low, the quality and duration should theoretically be high. NO, it would seem I was wrong.

There is a huge problem with being a female that prefers male friends. There is also a problem when people mistake wit for flirtation. Also, an even bigger problem when people think you are only friends with someone because you want favoritism and an easy ride. Well, fuck those people. We are all sexual by nature. Does this mean we all have sex with each other? NO. Can two intelligent, attractive people of the opposite sex not converse on a wide array of matters including but not limited to things involving sexual content, without there being sexual acts involved? Apparently not in the minds of some.

I'm sad over this. I feel that I've lost at least one good friend and mentor. I may lose another who I'm even more involved with. It breaks my heart...

Monday, not my Fun-day

Actually, this one is not so bad. I was suppose to work, but I ditched it so that I could sit around and do absolutely nothing. Unfortunately, I have a make-up midterm today at 4 pm and class at 6:30. I really wish I could find more joy in statistics. After all, I'm sure I make up a few. But so is life...

At least I'm feeling better, health-wise. Decided to actually stay the course with my antibiotics for a change. Maybe there's some truth to modern medicine? Not sure I'm convinced, yet.

Tomorrow should be a day to write about. I've got to be in court at 9 am. Got the subpoena in the mail, Friday. Fun! For some reason, although I'm not on trial, I feel as though I'm guilty and that the judge will seal my fate with one swift slam of the gavel. In a sense, this is true, although I'm not sure how much of my fate will be decided. I really hope the best for the accused even though it may not be the best for me. Only time will tell...

Cliche of the day (just for shits and giggles): "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink." Guess that depends on how thirsty you make him before he gets there.

Another Friday Night..

and I ain't got nobody, I got no money cause I don't get paid...

I haven't done jack shit all week, really, yet I'm so tired. I'll be glad when I'm through with whatever funk it is that I have. I can't for the life of me understand why I'm so sickly! It makes no logical sense at all. I look pretty healthy...

I love ending sentences with... It's almost saying that the thought continues, even though the writing ends. Or maybe that's exactly what it's saying...

Has it become obvious that I'm in a strange mood, yet? This is how I get when I have nothing of substance to write about. It just seems like good practice to write ever so often, so in a sense, this is the product of good practice. Damn.

My Prozac seems to be helping quite a bit. Things don't seem so black, anymore. Poor black. I wonder if the color black is at peace with the connotations that are attached to it. I'm pretty sure it's oblivious.

Back to the Grind

And blowing my mind. For some reason I wanted to make that rhyme. Don't ask.

Holy shit, it's Monday! On the up-side, it's almost Tuesday. Unfortunately, I can't take much comfort in that because for me, Wednesdays suck just as bad. But I won't dwell because I am actually in a good mood. If only my youngest boy would quit handing me food to either open or cook. He may have an eating disorder of some sort. I'd rather think that he just prefers variety.

Obviously I have nothing major to write about. My brain is fried after a day of training for a job and reviewing for a test in math (my most dreaded subject). I haven't watched any particularly good movies, lately. Iron Man was cool, I guess. I really like Robert Downey Jr. He was in a really neat movie, Fur, with Nicole Kidman. It's based on the life of photographer, Diane Arbus. Kind of dark and strange, but I'm all about that kind of thing, anyway. Guess I prefer art that imitates life...

Work

Well, I've completed my first day at my new job. It wasn't so bad, actually. Not my dream job, of course, but it'll do for now. I'm very tired and I'm not used to having to stay in one place for 8 hours. I never like to have my freedom taken, but that's what work is all about, I guess. It's not the job in itself that's tiring, it's the early hour I have to be there. Not only do I have to get up and get going, but so do my kids. I really hate it for them, because none of this is their fault, but it seems as though they are punished, daily. Shouldn't elaborate on this much, as it will only cause me to get down, again, and for the past couple of days, I've actually been up. It's nice being up. Wish I could know how long it will last...

Bailout

Seriously?? Why doesn't the government invest in me and pay off some of my shit? It would only cost about 50 grand. If I run out of dough, Wal-Mart's stock will drop. If that happens, the gates of Hell will most assuredly open up and all evil will be unleashed upon the world. Maybe some of the senators should read my previous cliches of the day.

The government is pissing me off. I wish I could turn my back on it, but then they'd just pay some already wealthy person to turn me back around. I need to move to Australia. I know nothing about their government or their economy but at least it stays warm all year.

Keeping it short

Because I'm sick and tired. And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired about being sick and tired. I could go on, but I won't.

I do feel a little better, mentally, today. Maybe it's from getting a lot of extra sleep. Maybe it's the Prozac, although I don't think it's had enough time to kick in, yet. Whatever it is, I'm thankful. I need to get back to my old self, again. I used to be ignorant and blissful, but I know I could not return to that even if I wanted to.