The Weight

of something hit me, yesterday. A surreal situation became all too real and now I feel ashamed. What to do, what to do... That is the question.

Creative Writing

I have to turn in an at least 7 page short story, soon. The longest story I've been able to write has been only 5 1/2. And most of that was crap. I made a point of trying to drag the story out for the sake of making it longer. That was a big mistake and one I'd hoped I would not have to make again. Oh, well.

The funny thing is, when I'm expected to write, I don't want to. I feel as though the creativity has been ripped from me and replaced by a syllabus. But so it goes. Making an "A" is extremely important to me, so if I have to turn in a piece of shit, then so be it. In writing I prefer to be very, very direct. My inner narrator does not like to beat around the proverbial bush.

I retook the SAT today, mainly because I'm a masochist and partly because of vanity. It would be a blow to the ole ego if I actually did worse this time than the first time I took it, oh, what was it...10 years ago. I'm getting old. Guess that means my age is catching up to how I feel. I knew it was a matter of time (pun intended).

Harrison, Where's Your Overcoat?

Today was Inauguration day. I wish I was more into politics and living history, but I enjoy ancient themes so much more.

I should be writing in my Creative Writing journal, but this is much more fun, although I do get credit for the journal and not this. Oh well, fun takes precedence.

That's all I got for now.

What's Your's is Mine and What's Mine is Mine

I am a selfish person and always have been. There have been times when I have thought that what others don't know, won't hurt them. This has been my justification for many acts of selfishness. It's going to have to change. I'm going to have to change.

Now, I'm not a bad or cruel person by any means. More times than not, I am sweet to everyone I encounter (especially when drinking). A professor of mine asked the class how many of us look a drive-thru worker in the eye when we get our food. I raised my hand because it was true. I'm always nice to people who handle my food. It's one of my mottoes.

With that said, I am in no way, shape, or form, a saint. Out of the 7 Deadly Sins these are my most frequent vices: Lust, Sloth, and Pride. The others, not so much. So, in my way of thinking, 3 out of 7 ain't bad (sorry Meatloaf). Of course, I could throw in Gluttony, but that only comes into play when I'm at a buffet (which is not often) or at a Japanese steakhouse. Oh, and Olive Garden.

I only half indulge in Pride. Although I care somewhat about the opinions of others, I do not wish ill things on anyone. I only choose to compete with myself and my own self-image is priority one. That is were the vanity part comes in. I don't strive to be better than the masses but I do strive to be better than my current self. The question is: When will I ever think I'm good enough? Probably never. I kinda hope so but then again, I kinda hope not.

It's kind of upsetting to me that Sloth is considered a deadly sin. Is it not punishment enough to be sad? However, since the interpretation of Sloth has changed a bit, it fits me a little more. I am lazy, lazy, lazy. The good news is that I'm not as bad as I used to be. I'm losing the feeling of indifference about the outside world. Of course, I'm not yet sure if this is a good thing...

That leaves us with the coup de grace. Lust. This is the one that's gonna get me, I'm afraid. That's all I will say about that. I'd rather this not turn into the longest blog in history.

No one is perfect. And thank whatever or whoever you believe in for that. And if you believe in nothing then thank the nothingness because whether or not you know it, you are worshiping it.

This Semester

I have been in such a positive mood thus far in the semester. Of course this is only the first week, but it's better to say it before it becomes a lie. I hope that made sense. Anyway, most of my classes are at least somewhat intellectually stimulating and that's something to be thankful for and upbeat about.

My blogs have been fewer and fewer it seems. The quick answer as to why, is that I've been terribly busy. At night my brain is so worn out that I can't string a set of thoughts together. My friend that I talked to on the phone today can attest to this. In my defense, at the time I was hyped on a fairly large supply of caffeine. It's a vicious circle taking a pill to help me fall asleep and then taking one to wake up. Sometimes I throw in an extra throughout the day to help me chill. My poor, poor liver. At least I admit that it's destructive and that it's a problem. Step one, right?

Anywho, I love old country music. I was brought up on it and unlike many other things I was brought up on (ie, Southern Baptist church and pork chops), it sort of stuck. It's a combination of the sound and the lyrics. The older the music, the more substance it has. The current song I'm listening to on the tellie is "I Don't Wanna Play House," by Tammy Wynette (circa 1967). How sad.

Entiways, my creative writing class is pretty cool. At the last class meeting he gave us two topic options to write (using any medium we wanted) something about. He allotted roughly 13-15 minutes for this. I was done in probably 6 minutes. While I waited on everybody else to finish, I wondered if the professor would either 1. Think I was lazy or 2. Think I was genius. Then, I started to think that I didn't care what he/she thought and that if I truly were genius, I wouldn't be wasting my time thinking such trivial things. So, in conclusion, I decided that I wasn't a genius but I was quite a thinker and speed writer. For some reason I analyze the shit out of things that don't matter much, but on something as important to me as actually writing, I jot it down and move on. I feel that if I analyze it too much, I will essentially destroy the integrity of the writing. So the question I have is this: When we analyze our lives and current situations, are we actually lessening the meaning of it?

Told you I had too much caffiene...